She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
