We're facebook friends in real life
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
