I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
