life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
