Your face is a jimmy john
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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