I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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