So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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