Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
