Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
