Jerry, you need to find god
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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