he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
