Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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