OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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