maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
