it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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