i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
