Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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