I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i will never coherently bang her
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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