He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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