well you can't waste a boner
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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