Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
