My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
