i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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