I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
