I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
