You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I need a beard to bite.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
