I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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