Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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