Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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