I need to stop coming to work sober
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
