and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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