I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
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