Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
