I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dear god my vagina.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
