i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
