she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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