I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
