I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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