call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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