Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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