Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
