worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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