How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
