That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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