She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
