I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
