I feel like abortions should bother me more
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
