Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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