Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
