I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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