Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
