his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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