So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
